Yes, I Am Judging You
I’m having a hard time.
I’m having trouble seeing people in the new light of Covid.
It’s uncomfortable being the “same” in a world that looks really different. As someone who makes her living in communication, I’m having a really hard time communicating with people who view the world differently than I do.
There are days when I feel righteous, or angry, or emboldened or so heart-sick-sad that I say to myself, “That’s it…that’s the line in the sand. I can’t not speak.” And then there are days when, while listening to someone’s wildly differing point of view, I’m jolted with an electric line of understanding of how they see themselves in the world, and by reflection, how I see myself.
Several days ago I engaged with a friend on a social platform based on a post she put up. I like this woman. We’ve known each other, if not well, then more than acquaintances, for years. I believe her to be a kind and thoughtful person. We’ve supported each other’s businesses. AND, over the years, it’s become more evident to me that ideologically, we are far apart.
To try to engage with someone in a meaningful way on social media is nearly impossible. All you can see are the words, without the context of the person’s tone, facial expression or emotion. Very often what might be a spirited conversation in person, feels like an argument online. That’s what happened with my friend, and so I took the off-ramp and exited the discussion.
When I stepped away from my computer and took some time to really consider the conversation, one thing did become clear to me…
The exchange had devolved from the original topic into a commentary on judgment and being judged. She felt that I was making overly general statements and blanket assessments, while I thought that she was asking questions assuming she knew the answers, in order to exact a “gotcha” moment.
We were both wrong. And we were both right. Of course we were judging each other. Of course we were.
We aren’t specimens in a petri dish. We are humans with fully formed thoughts, ideas and preconceptions. We are fraught with dichotomy and hypocrisy, because we’re able to rationalize our behavior and our beliefs to suit the moment. Humans are a study in character ombre. For example, you can believe that murder is wrong and also believe that you have the right to defend yourself, to the death if necessary.
It’s our human dichotomy — the grey area in which all (or almost all?) humans reside.
We’re all hypocrites. And we’re all judging each other. It’s part of our wiring — to assess if that person is friend or foe; dangerous or helpful, like us or unlike us. We need to know where we stand and if we’re going to be hurt.
This is where I’m having difficulty. Now, still in the time of Covid, can we figure out a way to communicate through our judgements, in a way that allows for real connection and understanding? Can we step back and try empathy? Is it possible to understand that we might have goals in common? Can we just step back…
There is so much noise out there. It’s painful to see and hear, and another Facebook post isn’t going to resolve the issue.
LB Adams is the Founder of Practical Dramatics, and author of The Irreverent Guide to Spectacular Communication. Her company provides stellar training events that utilize theatre strategies to help humans grow more profitable conversations with other humans.