Self Leadership (Adulting) #3: Upgrading Your Interior Dialogue

I recently had the opportunity to deliver a speech on what I consider are the four languages of leadership: Accountability, Conflict, Visioning (Instructions), and the most important, Self Talk.

Self talk i.e. our inner dialogue, is the most important because everything else flows from there. The interior dialogue determines the exterior conversations, which shape our world. How we speak to ourselves is the most important conversation we’ll ever have.

So how do we upgrade those interior dialogues, assuming you’re not one of those supremely rarified people who move through life with nary a moment of self doubt, excess self criticism, or fear? Actually, it strikes me after rereading that sentence that a person with that kind of “confidence” would probably fall into the sociopath description.

With few exceptions, everyone, everyone has doubts, fears and moments of stark “I can’t-ness.” I personally struggle with perfectionism. In the past, my interior dialogues might have gone something like this: “I really, really want to do this thing, but I don’t think I’ll be any good at it, so maybe I won’t even try to do the thing.” I had convinced and conditioned myself to believe that if I was unable to achieve perfection, even the first time I tried something, then it wasn’t for me at all.

The struggle is real and ongoing. Except now, my interior conversation is gentler and kinder: “I really, really want to do this thing, and I don’t think I’ll be very good at it to start, so I’m going to trust myself and the skills I do have and give it a go.” This is a real, verbatim conversation I’ve had with myself many, many times in the past few years. Sometimes I find that I really can do the thing as well as I’ve hoped and imagined. Sometimes, not so much, and while it may be disappointing, it’s still okay. I’ve learned to appreciate my own effort, and to gently kick my own ass.

Most of us are our own worst critics. We judge ourselves more harshly and with a perfectionistic eye, than anyone else would. Several years ago, I heard for the first time the saying, “Perfect is the enemy of good,” and it was a game changer for me. It cracked open my idea that I shouldn’t or couldn’t do something unless I did it perfectly. Now that idea seems ridiculous - how does anyone ever get great at anything, without first being not great at it?

A couple of years ago I started introducing the idea of superlatives to my audiences. Not to be confused with the silly categories contained in your high school yearbook, these are descriptive words that go above and beyond the usual. Words like “spectacular,” “luminous,” “brilliant,” or “remarkable.” I asked people to start incorporating these words into their self-descriptions, to be specific and associate them with their particular skills and abilities. Words like these can have a powerful, positive influence on an interior dialogue. Months and years later, I periodically receive emails from people who’ve shared the power of their word.

While self leadership and leadership of others requires us to learn to speaking lovingly and kindly to ourselves, upgrading our interior dialogues might not sound the same for everyone. Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat. Pray. Love. recently started a Dear Love writing program and invites participants to answer this question daily: “If unconditional love had a voice, what would it want you to know today?”

Find words and tone that resonate with you. Authenticity is crucial to your interior conversations.

I recently saw a documentary about Sylvester Stallone and of course, there were clips of Rocky, and some scenes where he was working out with the inestimable Burgess Meredith as his trainer. Burgess’s voice is so distinctive, so gravelly, I’ve adopted it as the voice I use to mentally push myself to a couple of extra reps on the weight machines in the morning. “Breathe, push, don’t give up!”

It really does take a village to raise an adult.

Ultimately, to upgrade our interior dialogue, we must learn to speak to ourselves as we would speak to someone whose life we cherish and want the best for, no matter what the voice sounds like. You already give this loving kindness to others, now it’s time to do it for yourself.

LB Adams is the CEO of Practical Dramatics, LLC, and communication strategies consultant. She is an award-winning speaker and author.