Coping With the “Gray NO”
No is a definitive, except those rare times when it isn’t.
It’s the answer to a question, a decision, and/or a cessation.
It expresses inability, disinterest, the negative and the disagreement.
For a word of little weight, it’s one of the strongest we’ll ever use. Unfortunately, we don’t use it frequently enough. Instead, we’ll give you air…
This is the “gray no.”
You haven’t said it or typed it, and it’s left completely up to the receiver to interpret as they will. But in your silence and non-response, what you really mean is NO.
We all want the consideration of a response, especially where other actual humans are involved. And, we don’t have to be awful to each other to do it. You have the right to say no to anything and everything you want, without being rude, belittling or yelling. Being obnoxious to someone trying to sell you something might feel momentarily satisfying, in that you’ve exerted some control over what was a crappy, uncontrollable day. Real people deserve better. The person on the other side of that call, doing their job, deserves your unadorned “no."
No one expects us to return the call of a car warranty robo-dialer and tell them we’re not interested. Opting out of those types of calls is another matter entirely.
Where humans are involved, regardless of the situation, sales call or family drama, answer the question. End the frustration. Otherwise, we’re out here spending way too much time and brain power “interpreting” the silence – “She’s so busy,” or “Maybe it went into spam,” or “Maybe he got COVID and is too sick to text me back…” Our imaginations allows for a lot of air.
There’s also a power component. In personal situations, silence feels like a power play. I know you got my text. I know you read it, and yet, you’re choosing not to respond. In this circumstance the silence, the “gray no” devolves into a contest of wills, with no resolution. Urgency is another facet. Of course I want you to respond immediately. Of course I want your attention when I want it. Of course I do.
Sadly, it doesn’t usually work like that. If you’re unsure or want more information before offering a decisive response, let me know that you’ve heard me and will get back to me at a certain day & time. Ask me for more information. Tell me what you need, even if what you need is not what I can provide. Don’t let fear stop you from saying no. If you’re concerned with hurting my feelings or the situation feels somehow confrontational, you’ll do us both a huge favor by being upfront and decisive.
Chances are, you’ll get a lot more unwanted calls, texts, emails, and homing pigeons if all you’re offering as a response is the gray no. Stop making us interpret the silence – just say “no.”
It might be the only time that slogan is useful.
LB Adams is the CEO of Practical Dramatics, LLC , a TedX Speaker & Emcee.